What to Include in your Common Application Essay Sarah O'Neill Chester County PA

 

(Bonus Sample Essay Admitted to Penn)

Sarah O’Neill Chester County, PA, Supreme Editing

Based on trends I have observed over the past decade, here’s what you need to know if you’re applying to Ivy League schools and working on your Personal Statement (Common Application Essay, 650 words). Here are my concise and pithy insights on crafting a standout essay:

1. Be about it, don’t just talk about it. While the “show, don’t tell” advice is common, I believe a well-rounded essay should balance both showing and telling. However, it’s essential to show at least one instance in your essay where you are actively engaged — whether in a chemistry lab, a nonprofit, or another setting that demonstrates hands-on involvement. Ivy League schools value action. They want to see that you’ll bring a spirit of synthesis and active contribution to their campus community, not just as a passive learner but as someone ready to make an impact.
2. Use positive language and images. It is understood that not all stories or personal narratives (by nature) will be optimistic, all the way, as they might deal with a more serious theme. While this is the case, AOs love to read something that feels good and is at least hopeful in tone. When you write your essay, keep this in mind. Use positive images and language wherever possible to show you are bringing this optimism to campus.

1. Show your growth but you don’t have to hit us over the head with it. Your growth in your essay can be steady and even small. Any growth is good growth. Try to show a shifted mindset or a new way of doing something or a new revelation about your talents that you never knew you had before. The shift can be subtle in nature but a big deal for you.
2. Produce some resonating images. While not every essay has to produce the image of speedcubing like one applicant who was admitted to Penn about his adventures with the Rubik’s Cube, you should try your best to come up with a quirky image that can stay with a reader. Because…why not? It can leave a lasting impression. If you, for instance, love to make lemon bars, as one applicant did, why not describe them a bit? Some images I have read over the years include juggling, syncing up breaths while jogging, lemon bars, spices, and more. Write out your narrative first then see if there is an image you bring forward.
3. Make sure you can verbalize your dominant message. After you write your piece, ask yourself: what is the most dominant impression about myself that I am leaving in the minds of my readers? If you are satisfied with this, you can move on. If not, if it is weak, work on how to bring it forward more in your writing. If your essay reads like a resume, this dominant impression will be lost.

READ BELOW FOR A SAMPLE ADMITTED TO UPENN WITH ANALYSIS

Common Application Essay Admitted by the University of Pennsylvania

The sound of my father’s breathing and footsteps reached me in the still dimness when the world was deep asleep. On a frigid December dawn, there were no cars zooming by, no lawnmowers or garbage trucks breaking this rare silence, and no talking between my father and me.

Growing up, I was never very close with my father. Like many others of his ilk, he was stern and rigid in every way, defined by a no-nonsense approach to parenting that made forging familial relationships an uphill battle. My father and I have always had different interests, different habits, and very different approaches to life. So I was uncertain about how well the two of us would work out as running partners when he said the best way to prepare for the running test in May was to run in winter. Running on the road without streetlights, the only reminder of companionship was his breathing and footsteps.

As I had feared, the first few days were awkward because our pace, stride and speed were different. A few weeks later, however, I started to realize that the sound of his breath and the white vapor of his exhalation carried all I needed to coordinate our pace: when his breath was light and smooth, I sped up to match his energy level; when it was heavy and short, I slowed down a bit to let him catch up. Through the same cold air, I saw the mosaics of pain and tenderness.

As the running intensified, we started to share words of encouragement to power through exhaustion; tenderness came from the pride and joy when we broke through milestones and made new memories together. By listening to the rhythm of my own breath, I began to understand myself better and learned to make small adjustments that created harmony between my mind and my body. Sixty days and hundreds of kilometers later, the harmony I created with my dad and my body allowed me to feel the connections I had been missing.

Not only did this experience leave me with a stronger bond with my father, it also showed me the importance of being in harmony with my surroundings. I realized that the beauty of harmony exists in me, in my ability to feel my own existence within an environment, and in my interactions with others.

Years later, the word harmony had a new meaning for me. I found that in our daily lives, there is always an internal rhythm despite how chaotic and unpredictable it can seem at first. On the tennis court, I learned to listen to the sounds of rackets striking the ball and the footsteps of my partner as I controlled the rhythm of the court. Between academics and my social life, problems and conflicts can come quickly and fiercely. So it became critical to slow down and find the internal rhythm of high school life. I learned to pace myself, taking deep breaths and slowing down when it became too stressful, then speeding it up again by finding new experiences to challenge myself.

“Let me set the pace, I thought, feeling my breath blend into the air.” As I gradually grasped the connection between breath and pace, the signs of maturation showed upon me as well. When I was younger, focusing on breathing created harmony between the two of us. As I matured, I applied the lessons I learned from running with my father to how I now perceive life and have gained a new perspective on how to be a better student, a better daughter, a better friend, and most importantly, a better participant in life.

Editor’s/ Counselor’s Notes

The writer of the University of Pennsylvania essay above clearly demonstrates three strengths: vivid storytelling, natural development, and individual realizations.

First, this student writer is a vivid storyteller. Take note of her use of strong verbs especially such as “zooming” and other words that fully allow the reader to feel the scenes with her father. In the beginning of the piece, the writer begins to establish an extended metaphor which compares her breaths and pacing, “footsteps and breathing”, with that of her father’s. The slightly strained relationship is explained through this metaphor and as the story unfolds, those same breaths and pacing begin to sync up; allowing the father and daughter relationship to also do so. It is an extremely strong comparison that the writer also eventually uses to explain her own “harmony” as an individual. The storytelling involved through the activeness of the scenes, makes for a vivid experience altogether. From the exposition (introduction) to the strong epiphany at the end, an admission’s officer is easily transported to these settings with the writer and more likely to keep reading until the end.

Second, the student writer is very natural when it comes to evolving her essay. She has a natural tone which also has a calming effect even during an uncomfortable situation. Her transitions make the events unravel very smoothly such as “growing up” and “years later”. It makes it easy for the reader to follow the chain of events even when it is broken by how she applied what she learned from this experience with her father to her own life later. The essay also naturally details her fear, her questioning and her eventual acceptance of their relationships. This event is seemingly what most young people might feel with their parents at some point as they mature. Admission’s officers enjoy reading about personal development.

Third, the individual realization that the writer has after this experience is profound. This idea of slowing down and finding “harmony” is strong and resonates well with readers. The writer also gives the admission’s officer a chance to know her other interests briefly when she mentions tennis and academics. The overall lesson she learns from her experience with her father that is interwoven through the extended metaphor finally comes to a halt at the end which leaves the reader with a strong impression of her growth. The end demonstrates that the student is capable of abstract and mature thinking which will greatly suit her at the university level.

Sarah O'Neill Chester County PA Supreme Editing