How to Write Ivy League Admitted Personal Statements: UPenn Sample with Analysis / Sarah O’Neill Chester County

 Sarah O’Neill Chester County Coatesville, Pennsylvania

What it Takes to be Admitted & The Personal Statement

Since the 1990’s, attending college is no longer the exception, it’s the rule. No longer reserved for giants like math geniuses like John Nash (who barely attended his classes at Princeton, by the way) or for Donald Trump-like people who can afford it, colleges and Ivy League universities admit a flora of students from humanities majors to techies to the undecided.

I remember when I was younger, no one spoke to me about college (not really). It wasn’t because I wasn’t smart or because I lived in a working-class neighborhood. It was because I wasn’t quite sure what my “red spike” was yet, and so I didn’t feed that purpose. I didn’t shine in one area. Then, in the middle 2000’s it was more about being a multiculturalist dabbler in many subjects, to today where anything…really…goes as long as someday you will synthesize and bring accolades to that university’s stats. It can be that Classics major or a Coolidge scholar or the volleyball phenom or the math nerd who runs her own nonprofit.

Today, it is not so niche to attend university, I guess that is the point. Last year alone, according to the Common Application, “7,041,256 students applied to college for fall 2023 admissions through March 1, 2023. This was a 30% increase from the 2019–2020 cycle, which was the last admissions year before the COVID-19 pandemic.”

With that type of competition, how can we stand out among so many, many, many applicants and options?

Well, let’s start here: with the personal essay.

Despite robots like ChatGPT vying for readers’ attention, the Personal Statement, that 650-word peek into WHO YOU ARE, WHAT YOU STAND FOR, and WHAT YOU WILL BRING to the table, is still relevant, considered, and read (albeit Duke University is evaluating it differently this year). So, the advice is, focus here! You’ve probably done all you can otherwise, so why not zone-in on how you can add subjectively to your application?

Below is an example of a Common Application admitted to UPenn. Read it carefully and ask yourself, “What may they have loved about this?” “What varying stories does it tell about the applicant?” “Does this person have a red spike or are they more varied?”

Then, read the analysis below provided by a college counselor.

Common Application Essay Admitted by the University of Pennsylvania

Red, blue, and green balls pop up one by one like popcorn and form a lively curve in the air that appears like a flowing cascade. The circle at Washington Square comes alive with spectators as I toss the balls into the air. The key to juggling is to develop a sense of flow by not paying too much attention to any single ball, otherwise I’d have no tricks like the Cross Armed Shower, Zebra Factory, and certainly no Sandbox Shuffle. Plight blends with delight when my rhythm finally sets in. Sometimes, this arch of red, blue and green balls reminds me of how I’ve also juggled my kaleidoscope of identities from country to country.

I was born in Beijing, where my sole memory is a zigzag of city cars. At three, I moved to Vancouver and stayed just long enough to start feeling “Canadian” before my parents and I scuffled back to Shanghai four years later. I realized that “being Chinese” meant much more than just being born there and looking like one. My classmates in China found me peculiar, labeling me as Canadian because of my accent. My Chinese identity had slipped away before I could grasp it.

In Shanghai, I was initially astonished by the scene of ladies passionately haggling over street prices, which would’ve come across as offensive in Vancouver. Upon noticing that bargaining was not an indelicate act but a unique social norm, I came to realize that the key to becoming Chinese was understanding the customs. I slowly absorbed the predilection for indirectness while taking in values like academic diligence and commitment to one’s family. Ultimately, I learned to enjoy juggling Chinese and Canadian social customs, while literally developing some juggling skills.

No sooner had I found my own rhythm in China did I move once again, this time to New York. During one of my first trips on the train to school, a stranger started talking to me about the history of the US Open, and then he asked me where I came from. When I said I had just moved to New York, he smiled and said, “But now you’re a New Yorker ‘cuz you live here and know the history of the Open.” I realized that to be a New Yorker, one simply needed to embrace the city’s culture of inclusiveness. As such, I morphed into a New Yorker by volunteering in the community, by juggling in Washington Square Park, and by performing violin in subway stations.

Meanwhile, I maintained the curiosity I had developed in Canada as well as the negotiation skills of a Chinese native — which proved useful in Chinatown.

Two years later, I arrived at Peddie and realized how important my previous experiences were in shaping me as a person who is comfortable juggling different identities. Interestingly, I have been able to extend what I’ve learned in these countries to my life today and beyond. Last year, while leading our new Robotics team, I made use of the skills I learned in China when requesting sponsorship. Teaching in an ESL program, my Canadian friendliness emerged as I empathized with immigrants and appreciated their grit when working towards their American Dream. At Peddie, I came to view identity as a collection of experiences rather than one static definition.

The beauty of a juggling performance lies not in the individual balls, but rather in the elegant parabolic arc they create as the juggler maintains a sense of flow. Likewise, I can call myself a Chinese, a Canadian, or a New Yorker, but what do these words even mean without the overall context of who I am? I have come to understand that the best way to define myself is not by the identities that I juggle, but by the way I manipulate them: keeping them in the air, finding my rhythm, and sometimes taking in new ones along the way.

Ivy League Counselor Analysis

The writer of this essay clearly demonstrates three strengths: extended metaphor, strong flow, and profound overarching messages about identity.

First, from the start, this admission essay introduces an unlikely comparison of juggling and identity. Then it reinforces it throughout the entire piece by using the literary device of extended metaphor. What makes this piece so effective is, in fact, this extra rhetorical writing device that resonates with the reader in profound ways. Even though juggling is a tangible act, combined with an abstract concept such as identity, this comparison works well for the overall message about the writer’s juggling his “kaleidoscope of identities.” Admission officers are immediately hooked into the story and are not disappointed as the speaker begins to recant how these comparisons are possible due to his personal experiences with different cultures in Canada, China, and the US. Potential students should seriously consider finding a literary device as this writer does, use it well, and tell a story with it. This demonstrates the writer’s maturity as well as his creativity. Other possible devices might be vivid imagery, good similes, or even personification. These devices can be incorporated briefly or extended throughout somehow to reinforce the most dominant messages. Take note of references to the metaphor in this essay such as the words juggling and finding his “rhythm”.

Second, this admission’s essay writer employs and understands the importance of strong flow. If you notice, even though this essay discusses many different experiences such as price haggling in China and the discussion on the New York train, they all still fall under the umbrella of identity. Rather than being chopping and individual stories with no connections, the writer uses words and phrases to connect them such as “initially”, “move once again,” and “two years later” to ironically separate the events but to also bring them together in the same narrative as the word “juggle” is again repeated to tie them together. Also, inside of the paragraphs, the readers take note of other transitional words such as “meanwhile” to help them follow along well. It is important for admission’s officers to be able to clearly follow your ideas and your story. You do not want to digress in any way or tell a series of events that are not interconnected because it will seem that the stories are disparate pieces overall. Transitions are, in this sense, magic for creating flow of thoughts.

Third, this essay has a profound message about identity. Admission’s officer desire to know who you are and by placing himself in many different cultures and worlds, this writer provides a vivid reflection of who he “is” in these circumstances and settings. This demonstrates how amiable and pliable this potential student is and that he can adapt to any situation or environment. It is reasonable to conclude that this would be an integral part of the admission’s officer’s considerations to admit this student because he not only adds diversity but can find a niche anywhere that he goes. Universities, particularly ones located in large cities, seek candidates that will be well rounded and personable to many different types of people from around the world.

By Sarah O’Neill Supreme Editing Chester County, PA, Coatesville