How to: An Analysis and Sample of Common App Essay Admitted to Wellesley College Sarah O'Neill Supreme Editing Chester County Coatesville

 Sarah O’Neill Coatesville, Supreme Editing, Chester County

Common Application Essay Admitted by Wellesley College

I’ve dreamed of being a Wuxia hero ever since I read the novels in sixth grade. In the world of Chinese martial arts, a wuxia master is someone with unparalleled skills, fights against all opposition and eventually restores justice. The story of Wuxia aroused an adventurous spirit in my heart and I became eager to venture into the world. Although it is logistically unrealistic for me to train to be a martial artist, its code of chivalry resonates with me to make a difference in people’s lives.

My first opportunity arose during the summer before high school: a volunteer trip to Gansu, China. I convinced my parents to let me, at fourteen, travel into the mountains alone, and I boarded the train with high hopes that I’d improve the lives of people as rough as the bumpy roads leading there. I tried my best to engage my students’ curiosity, yet few connected with me, and I could not figure out how to help them. So,

I told my parents that being a wuxia hero and promoting equality did not seem to be my strong suits. My dad, who was also a wuxia fan and passed those novels down to me, shook his head and asked: “Do your heroes go into battles hotheaded and win without a strategy?”

It took me a full year to digest my setbacks but I decided to return the second summer to take on the challenge again. I was like a blank slate; without any preconceptions and tried to see life from their eyes. Then, I realized the whole school only had one fountain and one rusty water boiler. From studying water purification in chemistry, a lack of filtration could cause unseen particles harmful to the body. I headed up a plan to change it so, along with my team, we shot a video of student interviews and posted to social media to draw attention to this crisis. Unbelievably, we raised four thousand dollars and now every hallway has filter machines and water fountains. Today, the school is being rebuilt, and what we started will benefit six hundred students.

Believing that I could contribute more, I returned for a third and fourth year. From my visits to families, and participation in dormitory girl discussions, I heard stories about existing gender stereotypes: some spoke of their grandparents’ dislike for them for simply being born female. Some worried about their competition with boys because they weren’t good at science. We started tearing down gender polarities, I even designed an experimental science class and became a teacher’s biology assistant to teach women’s health. I became a peer mentor to the girls and was determined to convince them of their personal value.

Gansu has gradually shaped my personality. Upon reflection, I recognized what I did wrong the first year. The eagerness for accomplishment prevented me from seeing the realities of their lives outside of formal education. “A true master is a good observer, a patient waiter, and an altruistic helper,” so my father says. The word wuxia has a new meaning for me now. Whether I am on the fencing strip, snapping yearbook photos, or sharing Chinese culture, I’ve learned to really see people. A wuxia master never rushes into action, or rides on assumptions to achieve one’s own ambition but is aware of the hearts and souls of others.

From my time in Gansu, I have learned more about the world and people. My volunteering has given me a view of the outside world and inspired me to think beyond the mountains, knowing that traditions do not limit potential. The students were ultimately inspired and I was also transformed by this mutual friendship as I became aware that I am not learning for myself anymore; instead, my service is preparing me to solve bigger problems in the future. I will forever, and happily, bear this responsibility of a Wuxia.

Admissions Counselor’s Notes

The writer of the Wellesley College admission essay above clearly demonstrates three strengths: literary connections to life, personal philosophy, and active leadership.

First, this applicant begins with a literary reference which is effective. In the exposition, it is intriguing to know that the writer read novels that made her think about the qualities that she feels make up a brave human being. This is not only attention grabbing but obviously demonstrates her critical thinking capabilities and ability to relate authentically to her readings. The direct connection to the Wuxia hero character this writer begins to make throughout the piece through her examples of traveling, making a difference, and the shaping of her personality is a strong way to create a pattern of thinking about and living life with proper direction. Even though the wuxia hero comes to mean something different than she initially felt, the writer is still able to garner positive qualities from a literary mentor and apply them to her real life. Applicants should consider beginning their essays this way because it is engaging and will promote flow.

Second, this writer explores her personal philosophy, and this shows a mature response to her setbacks. A personal philosophy is a statement about how we lead our lives in the most constructive and thoughtful ways possible. Most people may not develop one of these until they are forced to in the future. By expressing how this writer views “service” to others as a personal philosophy at the end of the piece, it shows her maturity and her ability to think about her existence on a deeper level. Her experiences in Gansu and her connections with literature, leads to this philosophy. Service to others such as volunteerism and selfless actions is very attractive to universities looking for well-rounded people with a sense of the world around them including how to improve it by serving others.

Third, and importantly, there is a sort of list created in the body paragraphs regarding active leadership. The writer not only makes the connections with literature and her life but she actively puts her lessons to use through innovative means. For instance, the writer challenges herself to return time and again to Gansu even though the first trip was a flop. The applicant then allows the readers to follow her on a journey in which she uses her knowledge of “chemistry” to make real change and finally promotes equality by attending meetings with other females at the school in Gansu. It is important for admission’s officers to read about how their applicants not only grow mentally but how the put what they have learned to use in the real world.

Sarah O’Neill Coatesville, Supreme Editing, Chester County