How to Ace Your Carnegie Mellon University Application Essays for Admission Success

Sarah O'Neill Coatesville, Supreme Editing  

CMU Excerpt

CMU is looking for “What-ifers”, “Why not-ers” and “difference-makers who are furiously curious, deeply driven, wants to make life better for all humankind)

https://www.cmu.edu/admission/admission/admission-consideration

According to CMU admissions (via their website)

Common App Essay and Common App Supplement (three short answer)

Essays should highlight experiences or activities that have enhanced or defined your personal growth during high school. Focus on non-academic interests, including extracurricular involvement, part-time jobs, family commitments, hobbies and community engagement, collaboration, perseverance, passion, advocacy for others and self-direction. Essays should  reflect on the university’s values and core competencies, including diversity, equity, inclusion, collaboration, communication, community engagement, concern for others, self-directed learning and critical thinking. Show that you have motivated and challenged yourself within your secondary school environment. 

In history, the types of students admitted consisted of applicants who can tell a compelling and creative story that includes. emotional life transition, pertinent dialogue, and a profound message to which all readers can relate. The essay should detail an important transition or change in one’s life and the writer’s final acceptance of it. A the sample essay uses dialogue well and sparingly (not as the main force of the story), to make the story come to life. Finally, a good essay will come full circle (connecting the conclusion to the introduction). Successful essays may also connect to what CMU has to offer and to the broader context (society, nation, world). 

“Why did you leave me with strangers?” I inquired of my father as my unsettled stomach continued to twitch. In response to my query, he wanted to explain but the pause eventually turned into one long silence. Tears welled in his eyes as he explained, “Son, you know that I did not have much of an education even though I was an eager child. I do not want the same for you. We sent you to Shanghai to get you the best education; we could not look after you ourselves.” “Terrific, I thought, now I am a burden.” I interrupted by banging the car door and without a backward glance, stomped away but it was also to conceal my tearful eyes from his. For the next eight years, I felt smothered living with seven different families. Fortunately, on this personal journey and even through the loneliness, love and appreciation emerged.

 It was the first day with my host family. And although the sweet smells of food permeated the air and laughter could be heard from outside of my door, I planted myself in my room rather than join them. To me, it resembled a personal prison. I often wept and sorely missed all that I thought I had lost. Then, a voice echoed from the living room, “George, why not play with your new brother?” I wiped my tears, pretending to be fine. But I failed in my attempt when not long ago I was with my own family, without the sorrow of isolation. 

Most students choose their intended major or area of study based on a passion or inspiration that’s developed over time – what passion or inspiration led you to choose this area of study? (300 word maximum)*

Whether it’s Dijkstra’s algorithm or the support vector machine, computer science captivates me. In 5th grade, I attended a video game seminar and the speaker said: “Would you rather be the one playing the video games or the one creating them?” Questions sprung up for me: Why does pressing a button make Mario jump? When the speaker revealed that programming is behind all of it, I became determined to learn coding. Soon after, I signed up for an introductory Java course, learning programming basics like variables and loops. 

The course eventually led to me participating in the USA Computing Olympiad. I solved problems and advanced through the levels, reaching the Platinum level. As I became more and more skilled, I volunteered to tutor kids in programming in my hometown. Every summer, I tutored in C++. The more students I taught, the less I viewed them as students and more like creative friends who helped me grow. 

In my freshman year, I did the Inspirit AI program. Diving into the workings of chatbots like Siri, I explored natural language processing. The next summer, I did my first research project under Professor Mark Vogelsberger, at MIT. I focused on a neural network called the generative adversarial network (GAN) and wrote a paper on generating emojis using GAN. I published it in IEEE.

With the skills I learned, I felt right at home when I did the Pioneer research program under Professor Suleyman Uludag’s mentorship from UMichigan. For nine weeks and ten hours per week, I mulled over AI risks and ethics. I focused on the malware samples generated by GAN, producing a paper that revealed how criminals can potentially use neural networks to steal our information. I am still captivated by Computer Science, and I aim to continue my journey at CMU.

 As you think ahead to the process of learning during your college years, how will you define a successful college experience? (300 word maximum)*

It takes a deep neural network of about 5 to 8 layers of artificial neurons to simulate the complexity of one single biological neuron. I was shocked: Why are neural networks far less efficient than our brains? At CMU, I plan to explore the answer to this question by studying artificial intelligence. 

By taking courses in Cognitive Studies, I will be able to learn how the brain and the mind work. With courses like Human Information Processing and Artificial Intelligence, I seek to know how our brains inspire algorithms. Furthermore, I plan to do research in the Brain ML group led by Professor Leila Wehbe or in the NeuroStats group led by Professor Rob Kass. I’m especially interested in using machine learning to study neurons in Alzheimer's and Parkinson's patients as well as other brain-related illnesses. I may pursue a Neural Computation minor due to my computational neuroscience intrigue.

The CS program is only the tip of the iceberg. At CMU, when my tour guide told me how she designed and built a chair all by herself in the Techspark maker space, I was deeply inspired. Over the past few years, I’ve built a robotic sweeper, a package-sorting automaton, and a drawing machine. In Mechatronics engineering last year, I designed and built an ROV with a teammate. At CMU, I wish to use the extraordinary resources at Techspark to design and build something myself. I see no reason for my major to limit me to programming. 

Finally, at CMU I am sure to make new connections. As someone who hails from Northwestern China, my experience in a US high school has changed my perspectives and introduced me to ideals I now hold dear to my heart like critical thinking and free speech. At CMU, I’m ready for it all. 

Consider your application as a whole. What do you personally want to emphasize about your application for the admission committee’s consideration? Highlight something that’s important to you or something you haven’t had a chance to share. Tell us, don’t show us (no websites please). (300 word maximum)*

I would like the admissions committee to consider how committed I am to my surroundings - when I am in, I am all in. I once read that community is at the heart of humanity, and my heart belongs to Stevenson, my school. 

After virtual learning, I never thought any setting would beat being at home, cushioned up to the screen, tea in hand. That is until I came to Stevenson. Stevenson is defined by its people, truly. From its teachers to the resident faculty to my roommates and friends, I have a seat at the table and have felt nothing but included even as an international student. My teachers radiate passion. For instance, I could have never dreamed of chatting with a teacher about quantum computers or the meaning of Gatsby’s outstretched hand. It’s not what we did in China. 

As a boarding student, I can also turn to resident faculty. Years from now I know I will remember Dr. Jacobs’ pumpkin bread and Mr. Henrikson’s brain teasers. First coming to campus, I was welcomed by the dorm seniors. Little did I know how much of a comfort they’d be as I got used to this communal space? Here, I have grown my identity and have felt safe to be myself. 

For the first time, I felt an urge to grow my community. As a head prefect, I resolved conflicts between roommates, drew up living contracts, and mended relationships as a liaison. I am a senior forum leader, teaching ninth-graders about life. In addition, as the vice president of student council, I have built a website to reconnect the study body with the council. Beyond any doubt, my school has a place in my heart, and I will never forget the great work my friends and I accomplished together.

Sarah O'Neill Coatesville, Supreme Editing